To give a little background my husband and I have a 2 1/2 year old little girl and last November I had a miscarriage. Some time has past so I am about to talk about it more now. The event has made me feel so human. I have been given so much love and gained so much empathy.
One thing that I have not read about and wanted to talk about was my body after the miscarriage. During the pregnancy of my first child my body went though many changes. I loved sharing those weekly changes with the world. I went to Vegas at about 4 months I even wore a bikini. I enjoyed showing off my cute little belly. I went though a lot of pain to get there. And what an amazing thing that was happening in my body. I was very sick but enjoyed showing the changes that my body was making.
Just as the first pregnancy I progressed and a little faster. Again I was excited and blogged about my nauseousness. But then I stop sharing and want to share with you now. About a month after I had the miscarriage we went on a cruise. My body was still about 3 months pregnant. I did not want to wear a bikini. What would people say to me? Would they ask if I was pregnant? Would they think I was fat because I was not eating healthy food? I was afraid to show my belly. Now until my body got back to where it was before I got pregnant the second time. But in reality even though I only have one child, my body will not go back to after I had the one child. My body has been pregnant twice. Not the full time but still part of the time. But since it happened during a time where I was in shorts and a tank top I was ashamed of what happened to my body. But I wanted to have fun on vacation and be happy with my family. Not think these negative thoughts about what people are thinking of me as I sit out by the pool. I tried my hardest. I wore a one piece bathing suit.
Another thing that happened is I found out I had a miscarriage on a Thursday and did not have the D and C until Monday. How could I got out in public with a dead baby inside me? How rude would that be to other people? I was ok with having a healthy growing baby. But I realize now this is the wrong thinking. I did go that day to get my daughters picture taken with Santa. I did go to church on Sunday. But I felt I was being rude to the people around me.
I am writing this to explain how this idea of vanity that I had is just silly. I was just having too much pride in my own appearance. This is another lesson that our beautiful second baby has taught me. I keep learning every day.